American - Comedian | February 24, 1968 - March 30, 2005
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
Mitch Hedberg
FishingFishYouLateKnowWant
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
TogetherYouGoJokesHoldWhole
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
CaringSickPenLoseAlwaysBecause
I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.
DayRememberUsedI RememberYeah
Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
TimePeopleNightYouLast Night
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
FunnyAmazingCloudWrongWhyTop
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
SmartPeopleMeBrainFreeName
All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
FunnyMeJokesBeen
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
I CanFingersWhistle
Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.
EyesPeopleMeatDeli
Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.
I AmKingSorryThinkYouPen
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