American - Comedian | February 24, 1968 - March 30, 2005
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Mitch Hedberg
ChildrenBookKidReadEvery
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
DirtyCleanShirtDryOnlyMeans
My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
LiveSisterNeverSheHalfwayJust
I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.
GoodTimeYouWhyTryWasting Time
I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
BetterWishPlayNowWayI Wish
Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.
I AmMatterEatHungryNoodlesHow
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
FunnyWaterBecauseWhistleSome
I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
BackNormalRemix
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
KnowAgainstShowHow
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'
FriendMeSaidWantFrozenBanana
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
CrazyDriveYouUnderstandImagine
I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
WordsNewFixJokeOutLast
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