American - Comedian | February 24, 1968 - March 30, 2005
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Mitch Hedberg
BusinessFireMeYouSaidRun
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
WorkGoodBackLostBubbleGum
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
TimeSomeoneGoSayShavingPlanet
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
MorningNightIceUpLast Night
Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
PushDogsUpForever
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
ThinkSoccerCombinationI Think
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
GoodWallMatterNeverTennisGet
I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.
PeopleMoreLikeFourUnless
It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
FootballPeopleWeirdYouNowSay
I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
GoodPeopleWheelsGetCartFour
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
LongDaysBecauseWouldTenSlept
People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
LifeDogPeopleMeThoughtSitting
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