American - Comedian | February 24, 1968 - March 30, 2005
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg
FunnyWaterPlantsFakePretendDid
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
WomanDatingMeSayingMadKnow
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
BirthdayCandleCakeBuyGotStore
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
YouDrunkRabbitsGotWouldCarrots
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
GreatYouWantEatHungryRice
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.
DreamsSickAskUpWhereGoing
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
CoolJustHippopotamusReally
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
FunnyUpside DownDownKnowNecklace
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
SorryYouStairsBecomeNeverSee
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
MissingFingersNineSlowerType
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
CarManYouLookI CanKnow
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
FunYouLateMadWantGlass
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