American - Comedian | February 24, 1968 - March 30, 2005
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
Mitch Hedberg
HeroDownKnowPantsRealUp
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
LifeWomenSomeoneSexNeedWho
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
FoodTrapLikeWaffleSyrupPancake
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
FoodCheeseMacaroni
When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
SayingSomeoneHandsYouAwayHere
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
FootUltimateStockingSevered
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
GamblingPlaySittingLikeAddicted
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
MeLiftWaySawLiteralOnce
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
DayTryingYouDownWeakBring
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
PeopleThinkWaveHandsYouKnow
If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
WorkKitchenKidSureMakeDraw
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.
HumanPyramidSawUnnecessaryOnce
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