American - Comedian | December 6, 1955 -
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Steven Wright
CarMovingLooksLightsOnlyLike
I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
MeNightThoughtDreamBrilliant
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
FishingFishYearLineLastCaught
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
CarWindowFastI CanPlayWay
Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right.
GoodMoneySomeoneHardRightJokes
I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.
Black And WhiteEyesTimeWorldKid
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
GirlClothesSheWonderfulBuying
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
HateNightYouKnowWillHand
I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
LifeLiveMeMy LifeDownCreate
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
YouHandFingersDifferentOther
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
SpeedDarkOK
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