American - Comedian | December 6, 1955 -
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
Steven Wright
CarPeopleMeStopLightsGone
In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it.
WorkHard WorkSuccessThoughtYou
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
DriveWorryFastWayCholesterol
I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia.
FindOutGoingGetWhether
One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
MoneyDayMeStreetOne DayHim
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
ChildSandKidBoxLittleOnly
People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
ImaginationPeopleThinkTryingNew
I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up.
InsuranceSellingWantWondering
If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
TwinsUsePartsEverHad
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
BridgeYouTalkHimRadioWalks
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
AdvertisingSawExecutiveOnly
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
PetElephantLostApartmentGot
Copyright © 2024 QuotesDict Steven Wright quotes