American - Comedian | December 6, 1955 -
Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
Steven Wright
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I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics.
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It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear.
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Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'
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I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
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I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business.
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Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
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To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life.
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In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
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It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.
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I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
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