American - Comedian | December 6, 1955 -
I'm addicted to placebos.
Steven Wright
Addicted
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
ScienceDeathDieBodyLeaving
I invented the cordless extension cord.
CordExtensionInvented
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
GodThinkDownCivilizationOver
If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
YouShootShouldUse
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
GoodMorningMistakesSleepMeYou
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
MeYouBecauseHear
So, do you live around here often?
LiveYouHereAroundOften
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
MeBuyAnythingGeneralStore
When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.
TogetherPeopleMeThinkingDoing
George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
HomeSchoolHigh SchoolLovedKnow
To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
MeSongKnowAudienceEverything
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