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Henny Youngman Quotes

American - Comedian | March 16, 1906 - February 24, 1998

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Funny Morning Sleep Tomorrow Sorry

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Marriage Music Time Anniversary Week

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

Marriage Happy Happy Marriage Secret

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Medical Me Doctor Quit Places Two

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

Funny God Know Say

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

Holidays Christmas Become Atheist Up

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Woman Sick Soup Help Chicken Jewish

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

Funny Succeed You First Skydiving

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

Travel Back Mother-In-Law Airport

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Reading Up Read Drinking Evils Gave

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

Medical Doctor He Afford Operation

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

Girl Door Night Hotel Out Room

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