American - Comedian | March 16, 1906 - February 24, 1998
How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'
Henny Youngman
CrazyDrivePageTopHimGuy
I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.
CarManGiftKnowTrashPay
My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!
SonTimeFeetYouBedFirst
I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.
GreatHorseYesterdayHimBeatTook
She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.
GirlSheMatchHips
This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
DogManSchoolGraduationGoUsed
You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
LoveYouPayBuy
You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.
PersonalityYouNiceHumanBeing
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?
TimeNew YorkCityDrunkBadNew
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
WifeFindingBackWaySheTake
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
LoveAnniversaryWifeWomanMeShe
Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.
FastSheTwoHeThoseHideous
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