American - Comedian | March 16, 1906 - February 24, 1998
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
Henny Youngman
GlassesGrandmotherNeedRightOver
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
TimeArmyFirst TimeFirstExpert
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
WifeWayDressesSheSameCooks
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
WomenManChicagoHeEarnestFrank
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
GoodTodayGolfBallsTwoPlaying
This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
ServiceHotelElegantRoomNumber
If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.
MotherMeSellingLivingDopeShe
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
LiveManDoctorHimPayHe
I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.
MoneyDieNeedGotFourEver
You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.
TalentYouLookScoutCemeteryLike
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
SlowHorseDiaryTripBetJockey
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
LoveMarriageHomeWomanNightYou
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