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Demetri Martin Quotes

American - Comedian | May 25, 1973 -

I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar.

Dog Love Women Girl Cute Trust

My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'

Hope Fruit Chance Problem You Apple

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.

Fun Swimming Die You Sometimes Sure

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

Technology Great Camera Digital Us

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

Good Time Loser Winner Good Example

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

Time Back Keep Just Like Songs

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

People Me Garbage Candy Need Hard

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'

I Am Me Sorry Thought Walking You

And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.

Morning Day Looking Forward Forward

My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

Garbage Plumbing Out Up Own Screwed

I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'

I Am Win You Wonder Turtle Said

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

Birthday Happy Year Early Wrong See

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