American - Comedian | May 25, 1973 -
When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.
Demetri Martin
FriendFatYouOnly
Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral.
SorrySayingSameApologizeFuneral
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
GoodSportsI AmYouPlayNow
I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'
AloneManMeVideo GamesGameBusy
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'
FunnyPuzzleYouGoOutsideFinish
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
HeartTimeGameWorstAttack
Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.
BadBalloonBreathBad BreathHolder
The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
BirdChildDoorBeeGlassSame
I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.
MorningFoodBreakfastBelieveEat
I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'
ThinkSomeoneYouKnowKindHard
It's funny: when people always talk about the importance of role models, I used to think that was so exaggerated, but as I get older, I start to realize I don't feel that way so much anymore. If you see somebody like you who's doing something, an older version of what you are, it does make you feel like it's more possible.
FunnyPeopleStartThinkDoingYou
I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me that way. I've definitely done time in the friend zone.
FriendGirlTimeMeThoughtLaugh
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