American - Comedian | May 25, 1973 -
A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.
Demetri Martin
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I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'
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I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.
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I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.
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As a creative person, you want to have a foothold and sense of progress.
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I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'
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It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown.
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If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!
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Let no man's deathbed be a futon.
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But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.
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Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
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Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.
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