American - Comedian | May 25, 1973 -
I never set out to do a sketch show.
Demetri Martin
SketchNeverOutShowSet
If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
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I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.
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There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.
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Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.
WiseNothingEverPrinted
I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar!
DogWomenTrustWomanLiarName
I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'
MorningTodayHopeDecisionDayYou
I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'
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Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.
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If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.
StartLettersOutSawJustCalling
People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy.
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I'd love to win trophies, be in movies, have a body of work I'm proud of and find a way to enjoy it along the way. Success is probably a more of a complicated thing than that.
WorkLoveSuccessWinProudEnjoy
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