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Steven Wright Quotes

American - Comedian | December 6, 1955 -

I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.

Weird Award You Seeing House Kind

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

Power People Yesterday Trapped Store

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

Matter Always Room Temperature

I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.

Friend Relationship Imagination Just

Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.

Life Looking Think Stop See Out

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

Home Children Choose Be Nice Nice

I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the 'Boston Phoenix,' and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that's where I first saw 'deadpan.'

Myself Me Thought Comedy Doing Year

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Time Coffee Back Almost Instant Put

It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?'

Wake Up Think Hell Doing You Race

When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction.

Science Die Body Science Fiction

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

Life Humor You Know Out Head

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

Karaoke Arrested

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