American - Comedian | December 6, 1955 -
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
Steven Wright
FutureWayVisionarySeeSideOff
When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.
DayPetMeThreeOne DayFired
All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.
BelieveHandWhoRaiseThose
I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
TeacherMyselfSchoolI AmMeFace
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
WorldYouSeenKeepCollection
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
YouEverythingWhereWouldPut
I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
LiveEndStreetDeadGotSure
I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time.
TimeSaidBankBankingSawHour
I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't.
EmotionsEveryoneJustAppears
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
WorldSmallWantPaint
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
RestDrownTooSwimmer
Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?'
ChildhoodWrongNiceEverythingBus
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