American - Comedian | December 6, 1955 -
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Steven Wright
PoetryReadingThoughtEverything
I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.
FearMyselfMeConflictConquerShy
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
WorkFireYouPlaceParkUsed
My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don't really remember what we talked about.
GreatHeroMeBookRememberMeet
My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
NeighborOutGetHeDriveway
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
DogPetNowGoneHeSpot
My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'
WorkMeDoctorBetterYouRight
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
YouTrainKidGuyToyStore
My secret to staying young... Having no sense of time.
TimeYoungNo SenseSecretSense
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
FriendBabyI CanAskHimRecording
I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
WaterKnowNowGotAdd
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'
MeBorderYouCanadaSaidNeed
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