American - Comedian | December 6, 1955 -
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
Steven Wright
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
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I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
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I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
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I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
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I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
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Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
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Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
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If God dropped acid, would he see people?
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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
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I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me.
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When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
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