American - Comedian | December 6, 1955 -
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright
LiveGreatSkiingSmallYouCountry
My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.
MotherSonTimeKeep GoingMeKnow
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
CarDrivingStopTiresGotDizzy
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
ForestYouNobodyJokeTellLaughs
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
ThoughtsSomeonePennyWorthYou
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
MuseumMuseumsWhereStatuesArms
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
LifeBeachDayVacationMeBaby
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
Make A DifferenceDifferenceRoom
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
FriendsYouBarbieWhyBuyHer
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
DoorYouDownSaidStreetOpen
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
SucceedYouFirstSkydivingThen
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
BirthdayHappyCandleSingingDown
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