American - Comedian | November 22, 1921 - October 5, 2004
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
Rodney Dangerfield
KnowJuiceComingGoingDrinking
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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My cousin's gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
MeCatUpSandboxPlayedCovering
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
LightWifeMeDarkNowShe
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
HomeGirlDayMeNobodySaid
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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