American - Comedian | November 22, 1921 - October 5, 2004
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
Rodney Dangerfield
GoodWifeMeLookingGoodnessKids
My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
WifeChocolateSheCookStuckMade
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
DayWifeMeEyeTryingSaid
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
MarriageTogetherSleepDinnerDoing
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
ParentsMeLookingOutLikeKids
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
MeSaidRidiculousEveryoneBeing
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
DogMarriageWifeToughLipsGlass
If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
LifeSex
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
WifeMeBeeBirdsKidHim
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
HomeWifeMeDoorNightSexy
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
GirlMyselfNightLast NightLast
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
RespectLuckWayHonestGetWould
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