American - Comedian | November 22, 1921 - October 5, 2004
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
FunnyPeopleFatLookWayOut
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
CarWifeMeDriveBackSex
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
MotherMedicalUglyDoctorBorn
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
UglyMeCrazyOpinionYouSaid
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
DogPetBoneGotFavoriteArm
The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
FunnyLuckWayHonestPolitician
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
FamilyFunnyTreeOutUpFound
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
YellowMeTeethDentistTieGoing
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
FunnyWifeWantYearsHerInterrupt
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
SportsFightNightGameHockeyOut
I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
MeSurgeonCigaretteGeneralHeMet
Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
GodUglyMeKnowSaidBartender
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