American - Comedian | September 17, 1955 -
Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
Rita Rudner
ChildrenMyselfManWantMeetFirst
My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping.
MotherThreeTwoOnlyThemWere
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
DogRelationshipChildHusbandBuy
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
SuccessMarriageHollywoodMilk
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
FunnyNameFirstRightAlwaysIdea
I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.
ClassMuscleOutGotBecauseMine
A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.
ManFightWarDieCountryGo
It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.
MeTellWherePromWouldAsked
I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.
ChildrenParentsCareTake CareKnow
They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.
BusyBankTwoLocalExceptVery
The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.
TimeManYouNeverHimOver
Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.
WomenMenNightFallGoWant
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