American - Comedian | September 17, 1955 -
My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
Rita Rudner
WomanToughThreeGrandmotherShe
I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body.
TimeWomanBodySweaterRightOff
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
MarriageMenPainJewelryBetter
I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.
LoveRelationshipGreatMoving OnMe
There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.
HumorPersonalityBetterSarcastic
My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.
AgeDayMeHusbandFakeWorth
Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before.
MotherDayBetterTasteMostBefore
Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
RespectPeopleRichHumanityLose
Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.
MotherLiveBuildCastlesAirThem
I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.
GrowPlanMeetOldEarsUntil
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
WomenFireUglyBetterLooksSay
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