American - Comedian | June 8, 1933 - September 4, 2014
I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
Joan Rivers
DieBodyWillPlasticSurgeryMuch
I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.
LifeGoodEnjoy LifeGood ThingsYou
Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube.
LifeFunnyToughBetterLife Is Hard
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.
GodWisdomTodayHistoryTomorrow
Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
LifeFunnyCalmEnjoyDownWrong
I never dwell on what happened. You can't change it. Move forward. Don't waste your energy on being angry at something that somebody did six months ago or a year ago. It's over. Done. Move forward.
ChangeAngryEnergyForwardYear
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
TimeFitnessSmilingFirst TimeSee
You can find my book at your favorite bookstore, and if it isn't there, find a new favorite.
BookYouFindNewFavoriteYour
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
FunnyGodDiamondsBendOverFloor
Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.
DietClothesYouLikeTailored
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
FunnyBabyBathUnwantedToysRadio
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
WorkGodDiamondsBendOverJewish
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