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Jim Gaffigan Quotes

American - Comedian | July 7, 1966 -

As a dad, you are the Vice President of the executive branch of parenting. It doesn't matter what your personality is like, you will always be Al Gore to your wife's Bill Clinton. She feels the pain and you are the annoying nerd telling them to turn off the lights.

Parenting Personality Wife Pain You

You know what it's like having five kids? Imagine you're drowning. And someone hands you a baby.

Baby Someone Hands You Know Imagine

Ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither.

Life Me Book Changed Read Your

Why would a lazy guy become a parent of five? Then again, why would creative people who inherently don't like change and criticism become writers, actors, or comedians? There's something about this process. I joke about it: My kids have made me a better person, and I only need, like, 34 more of them to be a really good guy.

Change Good Creative People Me

I just want to be known as funny.

Funny Want Just Known

I'm from Indiana. I know what you're thinking, Indiana... Mafia. But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from Texas and we like things big' it's more like 'We're from Indiana and we're gonna move.'

Best New York Texas Thinking You

I try to only eat animals that are vegan. I'm probably the opposite of a vegan.

Animals Try Eat Opposite Only Vegan

Babies should be classified as an antidepressant. It's pretty hard to be in a bad mood around a 5-month-old baby.

Baby Bad Mood Hard Bad Mood Pretty

Comics write to their point of view. If you're an exceedingly irreverent comedian, you've got to see where that point of view fits or produces the most funny.

Funny View You Point Of View See

I worked on 'USA Today' as a topic for while. I tried to do something on hand chairs, chairs that look like hands. I really tried. But some topics are not truly universal.

Today Hands Look Hand Something

I'm a comedian, which is the opposite of a lifestyle that equips you to be a parent.

Parent You Lifestyle Opposite Which

All I want to do is be a good dad, but I'm pretty bad at it.

Good Bad Want Pretty Dad

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