American - Comedian | August 30, 1948 -
I continue to work on plays, but I've always felt that you could put a note in a bottle and send it offshore, and you'd have as much chance communicating with people.
Lewis Black
WorkPeopleChanceYouAlwaysNote
Let me be serious: divorce is a sacred institution between a man and a woman who hate each other. God wanted Adam to pay alimony to Eve, not Steve.
GodHateWomanManMeDivorce
Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas.
PoliticsIdeasBadNothingDemocrats
I think that I don't panic as much as the folks on the left or the right do. I don't have that sense of panic.
ThinkRightLeftPanicSenseMuch
Do you know what 'meteorologist' means in English? It means liar.
LiarYouKnowEnglishDo You Know
You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned.
YouMouthToo MuchNeverPorkFar
When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.
EnergyAmericaRunMoreNeverFair
When a country wants television more than they want clean water, they've lost their grip.
WaterTelevisionCountryLostWant
Online, there's no time. It's always Christmas.
TimeChristmasAlwaysNo TimeOnline
The worst thing about Halloween is, of course, candy corn. It's unbelievable to me. Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that's never been advertised. And there's a reason. All of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. And so, since nobody eats that stuff, every year there's a ton of it left over.
HistoryMeAmericaYearNobodyOver
You look at my audience, and it proves what Congress thinks America is, is wrong. I get people across the political spectrum. Parents and kids come and they're all punked out, and there are these other guys in John Deere caps.
ParentsPeoplePoliticalYouLook
In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants.
PlantsBelieveVotingEvolutionGone
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