American - Journalist | February 21, 1927 - April 22, 1996
When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.
Erma Bombeck
DogWaterChildDoingNothingCall
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?
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I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'
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In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
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When humor goes, there goes civilization.
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A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.
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My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
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One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.
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House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.
LongBadHouseGoOutLeave
Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.
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It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.
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Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.
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