American - Comedian | April 12, 1947 -
For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home.
David Letterman
LoveHomeGodTryFolks
I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red.
RedFaceBoyIdeaNo IdeaThing
We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets.
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I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments.
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Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.
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The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts.
DogWaterSpringWeatherThought
Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?
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President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either.
WarThinkingHellAmericanSaid
The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral.
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We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours.
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The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves.
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Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.
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