American - Comedian | January 29, 1880 - December 25, 1946
Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.
W. C. Fields
WeekPhiladelphiaLastClosed
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
FatherI AmPrisonElectricityChair
If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.
LifeFunnyLiveMy LifeOverSaloon
Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.
GreatMeHusbandDevilYouActor
There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.
TodayAheadDrinkRealTwoSell
Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.
EasyYouDoneNowSayOff
Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?
DeathColdWhereDrownWhiskeyThy
Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.
PoliticsHellVoteNeverAlways
Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.
LiveFishRememberDeadSwimFloat
Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.
ChildrenSeenAgainShouldEver
Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
LiveHeartWorryLongYouWill
If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.
ProsperityWillBehindFar
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