American - Comedian | January 29, 1880 - December 25, 1946
Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
W. C. Fields
LunchOutSomeCorkTookWeasel
I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.
WaterDrinkNeverStuffPipes
When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
LifeHopeDeathLostDutyDisgrace
I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.
BestKnowWhyEverythingHereGet
I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
SnakeSeeI SeeKeepBottleLike
I never met a kid I liked.
NeverKidMetLiked
I must have a drink of breakfast.
BreakfastDrinkMust
It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.
WomanMeCourtesyDrinkNeverHer
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
BetterSexNothingThingsWorse
Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.
ChildrenBadAnimalsWhoHates
Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.
HeadPocketBothFavorable
I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.
WaterWillBecomeDrinkNever
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