British - Comedian | March 4, 1967 -
Velcro: what a rip-off.
Tim Vine
Rip-OffVelcro
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
CarGreatMeWorldYouLook
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
TodayMeDrivingYouKnowNice
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
HomeVoiceYouPhoneSaidUp
So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
SwimmingYouSaidUpWhereDepends
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
BuildingYouHouseSaidWantUp
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
NightYouGoHuntingFoxSee
Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
BeautyBlackHorseDarkHe
With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke.
ConfidencePeopleLaughSillyWant
I love acting, but it's all just a bonus.
LoveActingJustBonusI Love
I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
CoffeeDayPeopleThinkEvery Day
If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.
StoryYouNarrativeCountWell
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