American - Comedian | December 6, 1955 -
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Steven Wright
MirrorMeLuckLawyerLegalBad
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
BirthdayGoodLiveForeverFar
It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.
InternetRulesWildWestWild West
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
FunnyWritingBookNumbersDoneGot
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
ExperienceYouNeedSomethingGet
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
LightSpaceSpeedYouTurnAnything
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
CoffeeEmployeesTakeBreaks
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
TimeBreakfastRestaurantRenaissance
I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
BirthdayDayTiredIdiotBornDiary
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I’ve forgotten this before.
TimeThinkNowRightSameForgotten
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
GameThinkWrongCompanyMonopoly
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
MemoryBadConscienceClearSign
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