American - Comedian | July 17, 1917 - August 20, 2012
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller
ChildrenTeacherWalkDownTalkUp
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
HomeChildrenRestChooseBe Nice
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
AngerFightMadBedGoNever
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
DayJobLookingChristmasOffice
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
CookingThoughtBadThanksgiving
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
WalkGrowing UpHouseCleaningUp
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
FunnyBestKitchenWayEatOut
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
MeOutRoomOnceHisAsked
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
YouKnowBloodOldYourType
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
YearsEighteenBehindIroning
I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
BackYardIroningBuriedLot
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
MenMistakeBachelorNeverSameGuy
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