American - Comedian | July 17, 1917 - August 20, 2012
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
Phyllis Diller
YouDownHimReasonSeeHead
You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
YouKnowOldYourWalker
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
DogPictureWeddingOurLicking
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
HomeChildrenParentingParentsRun
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
DriveSexAdmitFortyMilesAway
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
LadySaidThreeMilkGrassFresh
A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
SongEndBadMatterLineGet
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
AgeOld AgeOldThroughLiverShow
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
HalfMinuteHourHisFinestLasted
My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
JusticeMeLookJustLike
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
WorkChildrenAdviceYouFollow
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