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Les Dawson Quotes

English - Comedian | February 2, 1931 - June 10, 1993

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

Men Enough Help You Mother-In-Law

My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it.

Fat Mother-In-Law Hand She Her

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

Funny Furniture Trouble Living Own

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.

Time Wife Sex She Ask Object

I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.

Mother Law I Can Always Tell Coming

Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finish up.

Marriage Finish Up Institution Where

I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless.

Love Someone Affection Need Without

How can you analyse what is funny? What's funny to one isn't funny to another... What's funny to you is a personal thing.

Funny You Personal How Thing

I'd like to thank the BBC for allowing me to work here. And I'd like to thank the wife and kids for making it necessary.

Work Wife Me Here Necessary Kids

I've just had some bad news. Tomorrow is the mother in law's funeral. And she's cancelled it.

Mother Tomorrow Law Bad News She

I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke up.'

Wife Doctor Week Said Why Sleeping

I toyed with the idea of playing Ravel's 'Pavane pour une infante defunte' but I couldn't remember if it's a tune or Latin prescription for piles.

Remember Playing Idea Pour Tune

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