American - Comedian | May 12, 1937 - June 22, 2008
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
George Carlin
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The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
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People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
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When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
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One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
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Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
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Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
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There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
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'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
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When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
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I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.
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