American - Journalist | July 3, 1947 -
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.
Dave Barry
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People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
PeopleYouWantNeverShareAlmost
Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
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It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
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If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.
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Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything.
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Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.
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Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.
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I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.
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Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
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What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.
PersonSeemDepressingMayFour
Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.
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