American - Comedian | December 18, 1956 -
You can't fix stupid.
Ron White
StupidYouFix
The next time you have a thought... let it go.
FunnyTimeThoughtYouGoNext
The way my brain processes information is quite odd. I mean, I have Attention Deficit Disorder and another learning disability I can't even spell. I don't even have a high school diploma. I'm smart, but you can't prove it on paper.
LearningSchoolSmartBrainYouWay
There were years when I was a beer and tequila guy, then I got real fat. And then I found that you could actually go on a diet and drink scotch. Then I got hooked on scotch, and if you get hooked on scotch, then everything else just tastes wrong.
BeerFatDietYouWrongGo
The Majestic Theatre in San Antone is as good as it gets.
GoodTheatreMajesticGetsSan
I've got a great cigar collection - it's actually not a collection, because that would imply I wasn't going to smoke every last one of 'em.
GreatSmokeGotGoingBecauseLast
I don't know who in my family thinks very fast at all, including me. The things that people see me do onstage are written, so it doesn't have to be very quick if you have all day with a pen.
FamilyDayPeopleMeYouPen
When I was a kid, mostly I played in a ditch that didn't have much water in it. It was for drainage purposes. There was not a lot trouble to get into in that ditch. It was ditch activities like catching crawdads and minnows.
WaterTroubleKidActivitiesGet
Diamonds - that'll shut her up... for a minute!
DiamondsUpHerMinuteShut
I believe that a bad Super Bowl halftime show is still better than a soccer game.
GameBelieveBetterBadSoccerShow
My brain is like a cross between a colander and a Lazy Susan - thin, slow, and it leaks.
BrainSlowLazyLikeBetweenCross
When I was 20, I used to go around telling stories, and I knew where I was comfortable - onstage, talking, making 'em laugh and listen to the weirdest things. I liked being the center of attention.
LaughTalkingAttentionGoListen
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