American - Comedian | October 23, 1925 - January 23, 2005
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
Johnny Carson
LifeAliveDeadFairWouldElvis
Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.
WillNeverLittleBigWordUse
I am one of the lucky people in the world: I found something I always wanted to do, and I have enjoyed every single minute of it.
I AmPeopleWorldLuckySingle
When turkeys mate they think of swans.
ThinkTurkeysMateSwans
The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.
FreedomMoneyYouOnlyWorrying
We're more effective than birth control pills.
ControlMoreBirthBirth Control
Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.
DemocracyGrowPresidentGrow UpUp
If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
LifeMarriageSpiceVarietyBig
I was going to hang it up on the twenty-fifth year of this show. I don't know why. Maybe twenty-five years is enough. And I found out that I was having so much fun doing the show that we decided to stick around for a while.
FunDoingEnoughYearKnowWhy
The mind starts to do things that you didn't even realize it could do. I suppose it's the manipulation. I suppose it's the sense of power, the center of attention, and the me-ism. And performers have to have that.
PowerMindAttentionYouRealize
If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
FunnyEatingTelevisionFrozenRadio
For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
DeathHairGrowPhoneThreeDays
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