American - Comedian | May 31, 1894 - March 17, 1956
It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals.
Fred Allen
LoveGoalsAchievementWorldGo
The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.
FunnyTimeReligionPeopleChurch
I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.
WantAnythingOwnFitCoffin
California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
FunnyLiveYouPlaceOrangeHappen
The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.
FunnyTimeWalkingDownHandHim
Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.
LifeMenYouStrangeShouldersHole
Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners.
TreatEmployeesActLikePartners
A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.
WomanManHatGentlemanWhoHit
If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.
BackRaceHumanMembershipGetFee
My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama.
UncleAlabamaSouthernHePlanter
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done.
PeopleDoneMeetGroupNothingWho
A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better.
GoodBetterWillStarPressEven
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