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Emo Philips Quotes

American - Comedian | February 7, 1956 -

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Me Computers Boxing Chess Beat Kick

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

Evil Understand Way Office Post

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

Myself Never Classmates Reason Limit

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

Morning Coffee Wake Up Hot First Up

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Work Forgiveness Me Night Bicycle

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

Life Good Money Day Woman School

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.

Love Children Down Go Know Jumping

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

Today Thought Feel Walking Down

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

Beer Bar Quite Nursing Getting

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.'

Today Lady Said Miles Take Here

Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.

Life Family Good Time Day Good Day

You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi!

People You Know Ask Always Well

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