American - Comedian | February 7, 1956 -
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'
Emo Philips
TimeFightSorryFaceYouSaid
Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.
WomenLiveDressWarmYouBeat
I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
GirlNightYouWaySheTop
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
FreeStandGlassFirstLemonade
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
MenPainKnowRealTwoGoing
Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
GoodChildrenWhateverDaysHappened
People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.
PeopleMeUpComeConcerned
I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.
DayMeNewUnderwearGotWell
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
MorningWorthLeatherThroughJust
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
FunnyPeopleHandHereRaiseHow
You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
HateYouBackKnowTakeGivers
People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.
PeopleMeYouAskAlwaysWell
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