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Emo Philips Quotes

American - Comedian | February 7, 1956 -

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

Smile Me Never Disaster He Visit

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

Father Me You Said Will She

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'

Words Truck Remember Grandfather Who

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

Love Children Down Jump Know Run

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

Night Trying Lucky Gum Bar Get

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

Gay Lost Him Large Once Following

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

Brother Speech Therapy Hello Well

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

Go Lucky Never Gum Get Stool

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

Funny Alone Night Sleeping Thanks

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

Great Bet Lover

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

Life Time Loved Devil You Because

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'

Wife Man Me You Bed Said

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