American - Comedian | January 18, 1965 -
Doesn't matter what you say or do; people can always find a way to call you a dick.
Dave Attell
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You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.
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What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.
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Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!
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I don't watch reality TV. I'm cool.
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When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.
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I don't think I'm a star or a celebrity or any thing like that.
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I'm not like a performer type.
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My day jobs... I knew I was bad at those, so I didn't really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.
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I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes. I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.
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I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.
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I'm a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do, it's what I've been doing and it's what I'm going to keep doing.
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