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Milton Berle Quotes

American - Comedian | July 12, 1908 - March 27, 2002

I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.

Like every comedian, if I heard a joke that I thought would work, I used it.

Work Thought Joke Used Would Like

I received a lot of complaints from parents who wrote and told me that their kids wouldn't go to sleep until our show was over. So I went on the air and told all the children watching to 'listen to their Uncle Miltie and go to bed right after the show.'

Children Sleep Parents Me Uncle Go

Now a 'funnyman' can get a laugh before opening his mouth - looking funny. Lou Costello was one of your great funnymen. Harry Langdon, Larry Semon; they were all funnymen - they looked funny. W.C. Fields was never a comedian. Slim Summerville was a comedian, yet looked funny. Now if you have both attributes, you are in good shape.

Funny Good Great Looking Laugh You

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.

Husband Feel Interesting Know Like

People say I owe a lot to television. The fact is I was a star long before television. What TV made me is unemployed.

People Me Long Television Say Star

I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.

Never Star Because Cannot Been Far

I have a file of four million jokes... I have them cross-indexed. Whatever subject you want, I have a joke on it.

You Want Joke Whatever Jokes Four

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?

You Tax Income Tax Out Income Get

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

White Person Bread Somewhere Orders

There's a difference between being a comic and a comedian. A comic is a guy who says funny things, and a comedian is a guy who says things funny, and he has a style and point of view that will last much longer.

Funny Style View Point Of View Will

They've finally comes up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

Mistake Perfect Office Up Computer

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