American - Comedian | August 28, 1974 -
I'm not a big fan of young people.
Jen Kirkman
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Sitcoms are what got me excited about show business.
BusinessMeShow BusinessExcited
The urge that most people feel to have kids is the exact same as the urge that I have to not have kids. I do not want to raise a child.
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Improv requires one thing I lack that I think most mothers need - the basic instinct to put someone else first.
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A lot of relationships have ended for me in my 20s, because I knew that eventually those people would wanna settle down and have kids.
PeopleMeDownSettleRelationships
Childfree women are actually great assets to the planet. Our carbon footprint is smaller than a mom's! And we have enough money to write checks to organizations that help kids get vaccinations, vitamins, and educations yet have plenty of free time to advise your daughter that one day she will regret piercing her lip.
WomenDaughterGreatTimeMoneyDay
Instead of saving for someone else's college education, I'm currently saving for a luxury retirement community replete with golf carts and handsome young male nurses who love butterscotch.
EducationLoveCommunityCollege
Have you ever tried to talk to a baby or a toddler? They never look you square in the eyes, they know about three words, and God forbid they ever ask you how you're doing. It's all about them!
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I'd love to be a hit in Germany. I'm working on trying to get a gig as David Hasselhoff's opening act.
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Don't overpack your carry-on. You're never going to read that second book or that fourth magazine.
BookYouNeverGoingYourSecond
Use your passport for domestic trips, so that way you don't risk losing your license.
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There are a lot of things I might be good at, such as competitive figure skating, window washing from ten stories up, and being an open heart surgeon. I might also make an excellent Kamikaze pilot - except for the fact that I don't want to learn how to fly and have no interest in taking my own life on behalf of Japan.
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