American - Comedian | April 28, 1950 -
Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!
Jay Leno
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Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
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The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up.
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Politics is just show business for ugly people.
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I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that?'
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The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
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The University of Nebraska says that elderly people that drink beer or wine at least four times a week have the highest bone density. They need it - they're the ones falling down the most.
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If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.
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I didn't realize it was October until I saw the Chicago Cubs choking.
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Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
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I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good. Maybe you're not the best, so you should work a little harder.
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You cannot be mad at somebody who makes you laugh... it's as simple as that.
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